Stupid Corporate Tricks - #1

People in corporate America take themselves way too seriously. Greedy and inept CEOs drive their companies into the ground while raking in gazillions of dollars in pay, perks, stocks, and bonuses. Clueless managers mindlessly bob their heads in agreement with whatever ridiculous idea or business fad du jour is being touted by their bosses as the next great idea. Of course, the people actually doing the work have nothing to do with how well the companies perform. If the firm does well, it is the executives' doing. If not, well it must be the workers.

In the forty-plus years I have been in the workforce, I probably have enough material to write a book. Perhaps I will. Still, it seems appropriate to share a few stories from the front lines of life in the corporate world here. While I have adapted myself to conform to the culture of offices akin to Scott Adams' Dilbert comic strip, I remain free spirited enough to see through the bullshit and recognize that the emperor indeed has no clothes.

So let's talk about a situation that happened when I worked at a telecommunications firm back in the late 1980s. I was in major account sales, and was doing rather well at it. During our annual meeting for the entire sales organization, it was announced that our “President's Club” for that year would be held at a resort in Hawaii. The top sales people in the company would be sent on an all expenses paid trip for two with awards and activities to reward overachievers. They showed us video of the resort, and all the terrific things that would be part of the trip for those whose sales qualified them to go.

During the course of the year, there was a change of plans announced. Instead of Hawaii, the trip was to be moved to Dana Point, California. Just as nice as Hawaii, we were told. Right! Well, as it turns out, when the time came for the President's Club trip, it was definitely not to Hawaii. Actually, it wasn't to Dana Point either. They ended up having the event at a resort in Scottsdale, Arizona on the outskirts of Phoenix. Nice, but definitely not Hawaii or Dana Point.

Now they did have some enjoyable activities lined up for us while in Scottsdale, but the highlight of the trip was an awards banquet to Pinnacle Peak Patio, a western themed steakhouse on top of a mountain. They put all of us top sales people and our spouses on buses to make the trip to Pinnacle Peak. Along the way, a staged hijacking by cowboy bad men occurred. They pulled the bus over, and a bunch of western hooligans came on board and “kidnapped” the executives. They went on ahead, and by the time we reached the venue, the execs all had on aprons and were serving up the chow. Nice enough.

However, once we were into enjoying the meal, the real reason we were there became readily apparent. The awards presentations began. Since all of us present were the top sales people in the entire company, assembled from all over the country, surely they were going to present some awards to us for exceeding our quotas and making money for the company. You might think that, but you'd be wrong.

The executives began giving speeches about each other, and what a wonderful job they did to motivate all of us to overachieve the goals set for us. They would then present each other with nice fat bonus checks for doing such a fine job. Then we were expected to applaud each of them as they received their checks and made their acceptance speeches. Obviously, they needed an audience to react to their awards ceremony. Once that was complete, it was back on the buses for the trip back to the hotel. Makes you really proud to work for a company with such motivating management! Well, maybe not.

Parking Convention

Earlier today, I mentioned the convention that I worked over the past several days. Well, as it turns out, there is yet another one coming to Denver. This time it is a convention for the parking industry. Yes, that's right. People who run parking lots, meters, garages, and other places to leave your car have their very own convention coming to your favorite mile-high city. Who'da thunk it? I can guarantee you that there is one thing you won't find near the Colorado Convention Center...and that is free parking!

Oh My Aching Feet!!

The last few days have been spent either in preparation for, or participation in, the annual convention for retailers who sell the products of my employer. The convention is always a major undertaking by many people, and involves training sessions, a trade show, and of course, entertainment. Thursday night, 80s rockers REO Speedwagon entertained the crowd. Last night's headliner to close the show was Howie Mandel (please excuse the poor quality of this picture...it was taken with my cell phone's camera). I got the lovely spouse a guest ticket to last night's performance, so we got to have dinner together and enjoy Howie's comedy act. This was particularly nice, since she suddenly was put in the hospital the night before the convention started.

Each year, the convention is held in a different venue, and this year I really appreciated the fact that it was held in the Colorado Convention Center in Denver. It was great to be able to go home to my own bed each night after a day of standing on my feet all day. Some days, I drove to Denver, and on others I took the light rail which stops at the Convention Center. The light rail is a good option, but on weekends it doesn't run from the station closest to my home to the venue.

Since my blogging is done in the evening, obviously this event caused me to not post for the last few days. I do have several ideas percolating in my head for future posts, so I look forward to fleshing those out in the next few days.

And speaking of days...Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there!

Poorly Written Headline

The Curmudgeonly Old Party

Will somebody please buy the Republican Party a Garmin? Seriously, the GOP has lost its way. After eight years of the Bush presidency, the USA is known for torture (uh...I mean "enhanced interrogation techniques"), warrantless domestic spying, and holding prisoners without charges. Rational Americans are appalled that these things are even open to debate. The misguided policies of the Republicans have lead to a major implosion that has left their party in major disarray.

Senator John McCain's daughter Meghan, made a good point in a joint interview with her dad on Phoenix's KTAR, when she said, “I just wish that moderates like myself — more moderate Republicans and more socially liberal Republicans — weren’t looked at as, ‘Get rid of the dirty moderates. Get rid of them.”

Then there is former GOP US Senator, Bob Barr, who told CNN that the the GOP is in deep trouble and lacks "any coherent philosophy, vision or leadership.” Barr's comments are followed by those of former Republican Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, who called several members of the Republican National Committee "a small bunch of egomaniacs who need to be coddled by the party chairman".

Finally, we have a move by some leading Republicans to attempt a makeover of the party's image. Perhaps this is a project for the TV show Extreme Makeover. It is an awesome undertaking, no doubt! The GOP's "Big Tent" has become a small pup tent occupied by a bunch of angry old white men and fundamentalist loonies; or as I like to call them...the Irrelevant Right.

The Republicans may be down, but I wouldn't count them out. Still, as long as they are the party of obstructionism, torture, and general curmudgeonliness, they will have a hard time rebooting their damaged image. In the meantime, it's time for President Obama and a Democratic Congress to get things done that are long overdue...starting with universal healthcare for all Americans.

Human Sacrifice in India

The Sydney Morning Herald reports on another horror committed by someone to appeal to the gods. Rajesh Hembram of India beheaded his 10-year-old granddaughter and mixed her blood with seeds to appeal to the gods for a bountiful harvest. The curse of religious superstition continues its history of bloodshed, both in major wars and on a personal level. Little Bernaka Kandulana has paid with her life for her grandfathers religious beliefs. Whatever evolutionary advantage was gained by beliefs in deities has long been superceded by the suffering and bloodshed it visits upon humanity today.

Deluxe Reading Playmobile

People always remember their first car. My first real car was a 1963 Rambler Classic 660 station wagon. I will always remember it with great fondness.

However, years before the Rambler, I had another "car". In 1961, the Deluxe Reading Toy Company sold their Playmobile dashboard in supermarkets and drug stores. I remember seeing it on display at what was then an A&P store at the corner of Old Richmond Road (now Bissonnet Street) and Beechnut Street in Houston. Boy, with all the shiny parts and look of a real car of the era, I really wanted this toy. I remember telling my parents I wanted it, but I also saw that it cost $19.95. To me, that seemed like a fortune. It probably wasn't that inexpensive for my parents back then either. Still, when Christmas morning came, there it was under the tree, glimmering and shiny with the colorful tree lights reflecting off of it.

The Playmobile had a car key, sun visors, tinted windshield with working wipers, rear view mirror, and all kinds of gauges, knobs, and switches. Oh man! I must have driven a million imaginary miles at the wheel of my Playmobile!

I guess I always liked driving toys though. One of my very early memories of my life was a big steering wheel that was installed in the playground of a park in Norman, Oklahoma. I must have been about 2 or 3 years old, and I still recall how much I liked playing there and pretending to drive.

Maybe that is why I still love road trips, and am somewhat a road geek all these years later!

Au Revoir, Chief Pontiac!

First it was Oldsmobile. Now the weakened state of General Motors has brought us the demise of another great American automotive brand. GM will eliminate the Pontiac from its stable of cars.

During the muscle car performance days, Pontiac said "We build excitement". The "Wide Track Pontiac" was touted as a better handling car than its competitors. The Bonneville, Grand Prix, and Sunbird gone forever. Who can forget Burt Reynolds as "The Bandit", driving his performance Pontiac Firebird from Atlanta to Texarkana and back, being chased by Jackie Gleason as Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Texas?

Yet, it was the even older Pontiacs that I have a fondness for. The 1950s versions with their light up hood ornament of Chief Pontiac has to be the coolest auto decoration ever made. The very first car I remember riding in as a very small child was my parents' old 1938 Pontiac. I used to love sitting in the back, looking out the small triangular window near side rear of the passenger compartment.

So off to history Pontiac goes, joining not just the Olds, but Plymouth, DeSoto, Cord, Hudson, Rambler, Studebaker, LaSalle, and others that once owned America's streets and highways before anyone had ever heard of a Toyota or a Hyundai.

Evolving Technology and Static Words

It has been said that the only constant is change. This is very observable in our technology. A prime example is the telephone.

I was thinking about how I can still remember some of the phone numbers we had in my early childhood prior to the switch to all digits. The funny thing is, I can easily recall the early numbers that used the exchange names, but cannot recall any of the ones comprised of only digits. For example, when I was 5 years old, my telephone number was MAdison 3-9975. Later, while living in the Sharpstown area of Houston, it was GYpsy 4-2931. My paternal grandparents had ORange 7-9716, while my maternal grandparents originally had WHitney 4-2931 (later changed to SUnset 4-2931). To place a classified advertisement in the Houston Chronicle, you would call "Miss Classified" at CApitol 4-6868.

Consequently, telephone dials (remember those) had letters on them to accommodate dialing the phone numbers of mixed alpha and numeric characters. Today's keypad dials carry on the tradition, even though exchange names are no longer used in the phone number. Of course, this has proven to be a useful marketing tool for businesses, as the letters have taken on a new life in numbers such as 1-800-CAR-RENT, or 1-800-DOMINOS. With mobile telephones, the letters are used to "text" friends. (Yes, yet another example of a noun being repurposed as a verb.) This makes me wonder if young adults today have any concept of there ever having been a different reason for those letters on their phones. Or if they wonder why the punching in a number is called "dialing" the phone.

There are other examples of this phenomenon. How many people using a TiVO or other DVR, which record digitally to a computer hard disk drive, say they are "taping" a program? We still talk about "rolling down" or "rolling up" the windows in our cars, even though crank handles and manually rolling down the window has just about totally been replaced by electric windows. We even still occasionally hear someone saying "crank" the engine of a car, although cranks to start cars disappeared many decades ago, long before I was born.

Fourteen Years

The Field of Chairs at the Oklahoma City National Memorial

Today is 14 years since the mass murder of 168 innocent men, women, and children at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. It is fitting that we never forget the worse incident of domestic terrorism in American History, not to glorify the evil men who conspired and committed the crime, but to honor the victims who needlessly had their lives snuffed out in a moment of horror.

Polish Sausage

Fifty-three year old Marian Milczarek of Poland got into a disagreement with his best friend, Wojciech Sowinski, who wanted to borrow his trailer. A scuffle ensued, and Sowinski wrestled Milczarek to the ground, pulled his buddy's pants off, bit off Milczarek's penis, and swallowed it. The victim's wife called an ambulance.

Any hope for these friends to make up? Probably not.

LINK

Truthfulness In Advertising

There are pictures all over the Internet of unintentionally funny or ironic church marquees. This particular photo comes from here, but its message is one they probably didn't mean to convey. However, I cannot disagree with the literal meaning of the sentiment expressed.

It is a fact that to accept something on "faith" means to suspend the requirement for any evidence, and just choose to believe something without, or contrary to, any evidence. Why is that an admirable quality? In all areas of life except in matters of religion, the prevailing opinion is that we reasonably expect there to be credible evidence before something is accepted as true. Faith is just the opposite. So, why would anyone think acceptance of a hypothesis without supporting data is a good quality? What if your doctor, rather than basing his or her treatment on scientific data, told you to put a leech on yourself and rub the intestines of a frog all over your body as treatment for cancer. Would you take it on faith that this is a reasonable course of action?

So yes, reason IS the greatest enemy of faith and the best way to test the truth of a proposition. Thomas Paine wrote,"The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is Reason. I have never used any other , and I trust I never shall." Or as Mark Twain succinctly wrote, "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

So on this day when people around the world have suspended their mental reasoning abilities to believe a man/god came back from the dead; and celebrate the rebirth of the "son" on a day co-opted from pagan religions that celebrated the rebirth of The Sun, and fertility; let's celebrate instead the benefits bestowed upon humanity by reason. Happy Easter!