TransFat Airways

The Lovely Spouse and I try very hard to not eat heart clogging transfats and the evil high-fructose corn syrup. Still, I have wondered about the name "Transfat". It would seem to mean "across fat". It also sounds very much like it should be the name of an airline.

Imagine if you will, sitting on an airplane, and hearing the following announcement:

Thank you for frying...oops, I mean FLYING with us today on TransFat Airways. We know you have a choice when choosing to clog your arteries, that is why we are proud that you chose us today. Our aircraft is under the command of Captain Tubby McLard on the flight deck, along with his co-pilot, Commander Bell E. Fat.

We would like to remind you that should you need additional transfats during our flight, a hose will appear from the ceiling of the airplane, which should be inserted down your throat. This will pump an emergency supply of hydrogenated fats into your belly. If assisting a small child, be sure to insert your own hose before helping the child with theirs.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, there is a bag of fat under your seat that can be used as a flotation device. If you are sitting in an emergency exit row, you may be called upon to spread Crisco on the exit slides and wings to assist your fellow passengers in making a quick emergency deplaning.

Our in-flight movie today will be Morgan Spurlock in Supersize Me. So sit back, relax, and chow down on the fries and chili dogs we will be serving for a modest price during today's flight, along with free high fructose corn syrup beverages. Remember, your health is our top concern, so we remind you that no smoking is allowed at any time on this aircraft.

Thanks again for flying TransFat, and welcome aboard!